Avoiding Power Struggles – Practical Strategies for Safer, More Effective Interactions

Power struggles are something nearly every behavioral health, education, and human services professional has encountered. So it’s no surprise that when we asked attendees at our latest Safety-Care Live event how often they see staff get into power struggles with the individuals they serve, more than half said “frequently” and another 40% said “occasionally.”

That shared reality set the stage for an honest, practical, and genuinely engaging conversation led by Safety-Care Master Trainer & BCBA, Olivia Sanders. Olivia walked attendees through what power struggles really look like, why they happen, and most importantly, how staff can recognize and redirect them before they escalate.

Here’s a recap of the key takeaways.

What Is a Power Struggle, Really?

A power struggle isn’t always a raised voice or a standoff in the hallway. Olivia made the point early on that they can start quietly, with one extra demand, one unnecessary correction, or one moment where the goal shifts from supporting someone to simply winning.

She defined it this way: a power struggle is an escalating interaction where staff and an individual compete for control rather than work toward a shared goal or resolution.

One reframe that landed well with attendees: the difference between the golden rule and what Olivia called the “platinum rule.” The golden rule says treat others the way you want to be treated. The platinum rule says treat others the way they need to be treated right now. Meeting someone where they are in a given moment is the foundation of de-escalation.

Recognizing the Signs

Olivia walked through a detailed list of characteristics that signal a power struggle is taking shape. Some of these are obvious. Others show up in quieter, more subtle ways:

• Moving the goalposts — Setting expectations that the person can’t reasonably meet in that moment, or escalating demands after they’ve already complied with one.
• Back-and-forth interactions — Arguing, debating, or engaging in yes-you-did/no-I-didn’t exchanges that pull staff away from their professional role.
• Shift in focus — Staff start responding to the behavior with their emotions rather than their training. Minor, non-harmful behaviors (e.g., an eye roll, muttering) start getting addressed when they didn’t need to be.
• Emotional escalation — Tone becomes more firm, more reactive, or more sarcastic. Staff start matching the individual’s energy rather than modeling calm.
• Repeated instructions — A common one. As Olivia put it: if they didn’t do it the first time, repeating it nine more times isn’t a strategy.
• The need to be right — Seeking an apology, demanding acknowledgment, or insisting on a particular version of events. This one is especially easy to miss because it can feel justified in the moment.
• Sense of urgency — Communicating that something has to happen right now, which often increases resistance rather than cooperation.

It Happens Everywhere

To bring these patterns to life, Olivia shared a series of scenario-based examples drawn from real settings. Each example illustrated a moment that started small and escalated because the interaction became about control rather than support.

A few that resonated most with the audience:

In a clinic setting, an RBT whose young client swept goldfish crackers off a table ended up in a full standoff over cleaning them up, escalating into an ultimatum about snacks. The original problem? The wrong snack was packed. The power struggle made it much bigger.

In a school, a 13-year-old who rolled their eyes during an assignment was pressed repeatedly to admit they had done it, turning a few seconds of disengagement into a prolonged argument that moved no one closer to the learning goal.

In a hospital, a patient who didn’t want to take their medication responded with verbal aggression, and staff matched that energy back at them, deepening the conflict rather than redirecting it.
Olivia also emphasized something often overlooked: power struggles don’t only happen between staff and the individuals they serve. They happen between staff and caregivers, staff and supervisors, and staff and each other.

What to Do Instead

Olivia tied all of this back to Safety-Care concepts, including staff emotional reactions, the Q-TIP principle (Quit Taking it Personally), staff resilience, and the alternatives to power struggles outlined in the curriculum.

Her practical recommendations for staff in the moment:

• Give clear, concise instructions. Someone who is already agitated has a harder time processing information. Less is more.
• Offer choices. When both options are safe and appropriate, let the person choose. Flexibility reduces resistance.
• Reinforce approximations of cooperation. The goal is progress, not perfection. Celebrate the small step.
• Maintain a calm, neutral tone. What you say matters, but so does your face, your posture, and your energy. Staff who control their words but telegraph frustration through their body language are still escalating the situation.
• Change the request. If the initial approach isn’t working, try a different angle. Break a bigger task into smaller ones. Let someone start at step three instead of step one.
• Give more time. Not everything is an emergency. A person who is already agitated is not in a good place to learn. Waiting is not ‘doing nothing’.
• Pick your battles. Before addressing a behavior, ask: does addressing this right now actually move us toward the goal? If the answer is no, let it go.

A Phrase Bank for Difficult Moments

One of the most practically useful parts of the presentation was Olivia’s phrase bank, a set of situation-specific language alternatives that staff can reach for when they feel the pull toward a power struggle.

A few examples:

• When someone refuses: Rather than “You need to do this right now,” try “Would you like to do this now or later?” or “I’ll give you a moment, and we can come back to it in a few minutes.”
• When someone is argumentative: Rather than “Stop arguing with me,” try “I hear you’re upset. What can I do to best support you right now?” or “You’re allowed to feel that way.”
• When someone is being disrespectful: Rather than “You can’t talk to me like that,” try “I’m here to help” and “I’m going to stay calm.”
• When someone is escalating emotionally: Rather than “Calm down,” try “I’m here with you,” “Let’s take a moment,” or “I’m going to give you some space and check back in a few minutes.”
• When someone tries to start a debate: Rather than arguing the facts, try “Let’s move forward” or “I hear you and understand that you feel that way. Let’s focus on this for now.”

Shifting the Staff Mindset

In the final section of the presentation, Olivia addressed something that can be harder to change than any phrase or technique: the underlying mindset that drives staff behavior in the first place.

She outlined four key mental shifts:

From control to collaboration. Instead of “they need to listen to me,” ask “how can I help this person be successful right now?”

From reacting to responding. Instead of matching tone or volume, pause, stay neutral, and choose your next move deliberately.

From winning to de-escalating. You don’t have to win the moment to be effective. You don’t have to win the interaction to be professional. And you don’t have to win to keep people safe.

From correcting to supporting. Not every behavior needs to be addressed. Ignore what isn’t essential. Redirect toward the task. Reinforce cooperation when it happens.

Olivia also offered a short self-reflection checklist for staff to run through when they feel tension building:

• Am I trying to win this interaction?
• Is this behavior worth addressing right now?
• Am I staying calm and professional?
• What is my goal in this moment?
• Will my response escalate or de-escalate this situation?

Key Takeaways

Power struggles are common and can escalate quickly, often starting with a single small moment.

Staff behavior plays a major role in shaping how any interaction unfolds.

Avoiding arguing or debating, staying focused on the goal rather than the behavior, and maintaining a calm professional presence are the foundations of effective de-escalation.

The goal is never to control. It’s to support individual success while keeping everyone safe.

As Olivia put it in closing: “Power struggles aren’t usually created by one big mistake. They’re created by small moments, small choices, small reactions. But de-escalation works the same exact way. One calm response, one flexible decision, one moment where we choose to support over control. Those moments add up too.”